This essay, posted in an English blog, caught my eye because of its theme of school bullying amongst teenagers. Specifically, it's about girls verbally attacking other girls for behaviour that is deemed acceptable for boys or men. The oh-so-old double standard, universal in that this short memoir evidently resonated enough to travel across the Atlantic and appear on a Facebook page here in Canada.
The power of the piece is this—it's written by a young woman who witnessed this girl-blaming/slut-shaming in school, vividly portrays it, and looks back at it with mature eyes of realization and acceptance. The last two paragraphs are especially important.
From One Slut to Another
by Sinéad ní Fhlannagáin First published on the Northern Girls blog: https://afacelikethunder.wordpress.com/
Aye, she’s just a slut anyway.
I had the privilege of learning what defined a slut at the ripe old age of 12. Having just begun at an all-girls’ grammar school, the off-curriculum learning felt like a rite of passage, a golden gateway into womanhood.
One girl, whose knowledge of the term already far surpassed the rest of us, informed us all of how lucky we were to get clued up before too much time had passed. Without this informal forewarning, our gifted induction, we would inevitably risk unknowingly earning the title.
The rules were simple enough. A slut was someone who “got with” a lot of boys. To get with is to kiss someone with tongue, eyes tight shut because we’re not freaks. A “frigid” was a person who had never kissed a boy; that’s okay for now since we’re just first years, but don’t be fooled as time is surely ticking. Easy girls had no standards. An “easy girl” was a girl that kissed anyone. “Anyone” could actually refer to someone who the labellist, themself, found unsuitable or unappealing or someone who didn’t immediately ask to be in a relationship afterwards.
Note: anyone caught calling someone a slut in the wrong context or to someone who genuinely liked the newly labelled slut would most likely be labelled a bitch, and not even girls liked bitches. So tread carefully.
The girl who took the time to warn us all, in fact, earned all of these titles in spite of her knowledge, just as we would ourselves not long after.
Over the years the definitions skewed and bounced in a myriad of directions and it became increasingly harder to avoid this label as we struggled to keep track of what it entailed. However, we ourselves became experts and were soon able to single out the sluts for those who didn’t know.
We became such experts that we could decipher a slut from their appearance alone. A skirt too short, a top too low, a shirt too sheer, wearing a push-up bra, or a brightly coloured bra, or just having larger breasts before ours had begun to form. Someone who wore a lot of make-up, or was better than we were at applying make-up, a girl who wore tan, who dyed her hair. At this point the girl also earned the label “fake”.
A slut could also be someone who got with or maybe just spoke to a boy that you or your friend already liked. Does the boy even know? That doesn’t matter, she knew or she should have known better than to chase every boy going, which is verging on easy too.
A slut was a girl who partied too much, who had more boy friends than girl friends or even just more boy friends than you. Unless she was “one of the lads” in the way that makes her seem less attractive to you, then she’s just a tomboy, boyish, probably frigid and neither a threat nor your problem.
On a night out, a slut could be the girl who was too good for one of the boys. The girl that said no and walked away. The girl who almost got called frigid but got with someone else a bit later. So is she a slut? Well, the boy who asked her first said so as he walked away defeated, no he’s thankful – a lucky escape because she’s just a slut anyway.
Online, a slut was a girl who included any slutty elements such as those listed in appearance above. It could be a girl who liked boys pictures, who commented on boys posts, who angled her own photos to show more of her breasts, or to exaggerate her bum. This girl would definitely be called easy, and probably attention-seeking too.
Trying not be a slut evolved maliciously and we became self-appointed slut detectors programmed to hate any and every girl around us. And somehow, despite ever-changing conditions, the sentiment somehow managed to remain the same, it said, “Be ashamed. You’re used, you’re dirty, why would anyone want you now?”
In a later life we would admire her ability to do a faultless winged liner on the bus ride to school through bumpy, country roads. We would aspire to her confidence to dress as she pleased. We would find it healthy to be part of a mixed friend group seeing how they’ve remained as close friends to this day. We would cheer her on for turning down the boy that didn’t deserve her, proud of her for refusing to be pressured into saying okay. We would praise the girl who overcame insecurities and posted that photo she wasn’t sure of. We would even be commenting ‘queen’ in the comments below.
The fact that none of us were ever sluts or would ever be sluts was a vital lesson regrettably missing from any curriculum we grew up with and a lesson that took far too long to learn by ourselves. We were never taught about how using the term would only serve to continue perpetuating the double standard that men should be glorified for the same behaviour women are often shamed for. For those who still don’t know, it’s time to do away with toxic terms that mean nothing, as well as kiss goodbye to the toxic behaviours we learned at school.
About the writer:
Sinéad ni Fhlannagáin is a Northern Irish writer and student of languages and business. Her passions include empowering women, young people and herself through her writing by touching on prevalent social issues and documenting personal experience.
