Katy Wix. Photograph: Kate Peters/The Observer
You know how hurtful it was. You felt like a loser.
Maybe you believed their insults: that you were ugly or stupid. Perhaps you began to feel self-conscious about your ears or feet, or your clothes or even your abilities. Or whatever the hell else they made fun of, back then.
You know, it’s possible you really were hopeless at tennis? Or maths? Well – so what? Is every single person in the world good at every last thing they do? Doesn’t everyone have weaknesses in some areas, but strengths in others? Did those mean kids or adults look at their own faults? No, of course not.
Yet, those bullies in your life made fun of you, loudly calling you names or whispering sarcastic comments and giggling within earshot to viciously demean you.
For whatever reason, bullies and their friends – enablers – get a kick out of being cruel. It could be jealousy that makes them do it, or perhaps they focus on a student and decide that’s the one who’d be easy to pick on. A person with a quiet, gentle nature.
If you were bullied as a child in school, or later as an employee at work, you’ll remember how painful it was, how badly it can damage your self-esteem. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
And yet, there are folks who’ll tell you to forget all that now. Just forgive and forget and move on. I believe these people mean well, but in fact, they too are doing you an injustice. They are making you feel guilty if you cannot forgive.
Well, as one formerly bullied person to another, let me tell you this. I agree with the ‘move on’ part, as least, as much as we can (it gets easier with time – sometimes, a lot of time), but it is our prerogative to decide whether to forgive a bully. Remember, our lives were made hell; our self-confidence took a major hit (which comes with its own difficulties during life); and many years of peace and happiness were stolen from us.
If we don’t feel like doling out forgiveness, we have every right not to. As for the ‘forget’ part? What BS is that? Do we suddenly get amnesia and not remember the verbal abuse? Nonsense, not unless we get a darned lobotomy. I suggest you push back against those who were not there at the time, who shrug their shoulders and tell you to forgive and forget. Although they may not realise it, it’s a form of gaslighting. Don’t feel bad if you do not wish to reach out to your bully later on to say “oh, it’s okay, I’m fine and forgive everything you said and did.”
I mean, sure, if you want to and really feel that way, then yes, and I’m happy for you. There are folks I’ve forgiven too, but they are people who did something unintentionally. I forgive mistakes, or on-offs.
But someone took stole part of my childhood? Well, read this article, below. It’s by a person who, like you and I, was mistreated and emotionally damaged during school years. Read her response. I’m with her. Because sometimes, it’s more healing not to forgive.